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Pilch

Everyone is now required to have an opinion about Kathy Griffin: Here are 6 acceptable ones

America in 2017 is a soul-void with no respite, and all we have left are the "hot takes" we formulate each day to help pass the time, inflicting opinions about a ruling class that we are all powerless to stop onto peers we cannot hope to persuade. The dystopia is now; being angry in front of people is our Thunderdome; we are all going to die.

Everyone is now required to have an opinion about Kathy Griffin: Here are 6 acceptable ones

Pilch

Favorite new aspect of Trump's America: the voice of the resistance and journalistic integrity is Teen Vogue http://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-keep-messages-secure

Pilch

First draft of concession speech, Nov 9 2016

2 min read

Congratulations, President-Elect, and best of luck in your two (2) court dates before your inauguration.

Congratulations to white people. You have proven your point, and we must all live with the consequences. I believe it was Maya Angelou that said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Condolences to Secretary Clinton on a hard fought campaign. I have never respected the cost of wanting to use a single phone for personal and work emails until now.

Shout out to the electoral college for exposing our expertly rigged system, identified by the GOP president-elect. I bet this is one of the first things he addresses when taking office.

Shout out to Antonin Scalia for gutting the Voting Rights Act and then dying, steering the boat towards and then tripling the size of the iceberg. I'm sure the Honorable Peter Thiel will keep your legacy alive for the next 275 years before dying of vampire-related causes.

(Related: Shout out to the 46.9% of the electorate that could not find a way to show up to the polls.)

Congratulations to our future presidential cabinet. Chris "Bridges" Christie. Newt "Moon Base" Gingrich. Rudy "I forgot 9/11 even though it's kind of my thing" Guiliani. I am sure you all will have our best interests in mind.

Apologies to folks who are not straight white men, whom this will affect disproportionately, as it always has. I will try to be here for you, but if it is too much, I hear Vancouver is lovely.

Shout out to the Chicago Cubs, for siphoning off the extremely limited supply of karma for the year 2016, and taking an advance on the next 4 years.

As always, all glory to Mother Russia.

Let the self-fulfilling prophecy be fulfilled. America has signaled to itself and the entire world that we are not exceptional, and are no longer great. Time to get to work.

Pilch

Pilch

Any good president is made of rubber. It's what makes America great. Everyone else is glue https://twitter.com/ditzkoff/status/715017475772039168

Pilch

Year In Review 2015 and Week In Review 2016

2 min read

 

I am a dad and have no time for non-dad-related things anymore. So my year in review, which I produce purely for my own leisure and amusement, is several weeks later than usual (see previous years). As such, it includes one week from 2016, which will then be excluded from next year’s review, if I remember.1

From what I heard of the outside world, 2015 was mostly a shitshow. But Dad Land has been good to me. So in the spirit of Chris Lacy’s …Of The Year posts, I present 2015 Of The Year.

Spoiler Of The Year

There is a new Star War. All the are talking about it! The review that most reflected my reactions is here.

Depressing Summary Of Social Issues Of The Year

America Has Lost The War Against Guns, by Greg Howard

Donald Trump Of The Year

In a surprising upset, it is John Legere, CEO of T-Mobile.

Shithead Of The Year

This is a nod to the consolation prize on Doug Loves Movies, where Doug calls who/whatever the audience member wants “a shithead.” The winner here is bats. Runner up is, again, Donald Trump.

Crippling Realization Of The Year

Having a child in a hospital NICU costs more than fully-loaded late-model Honda CR-V.2 There is probably a joke there about having one implying getting the other, but it makes me too depressed.[3]

Resolution Of The (New) Year

Always check your privilege.

Also, visit Clickhole more often, for insightful social commentary and Hodor information.

2016 Week In Review

I was locked out of my work laptop for the first 3 days and the biggest news story is these Oregon jamokes. Also, my son needed surgery to remove a dermoid cyst (he is fine). At this point I’ll take 2015.


  1. I won’t remember.  ↩

  2. Sure, insurance covers most of it, but they don’t give you 36 months to pay off the difference.  ↩

  3. Fine print: does not include the hospital bills for the mother.  ↩

Pilch

An Open Letter to the Governor of Indiana

3 min read

Dear Governor Pence,

has not been doing great in the media lately. First Pawnee had to merge with Eagleton1, then the Mole Women emerged from Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne’s bunker.

In all seriousness, I would be glad to have those issues. They are preferable to the reality of transitioning from an HIV outbreak to legalizing discrimination by religious organizations.

There is no getting around it - this is about discrimination. No matter how many times you tell us it is not, you also won’t just say you are against the discrimination of LGBT people. Pretty sure Stephanopolous is not known for hard-hitting journalism, Mike. He was putting a softball on a tee for you, and you struck out.

Can you think of another reason a business would need “free exercise of religion”? Or that it would need to use that new-found religion as a defense in civil litigation? You have had several months to think of some examples. I’ve tried for a few days, and I am coming up empty. Maybe if it actually was the same as the federal RFRA, which has been falsely claimed by several conservative news outlets, this would be easier.

I have been an Indiana resident since I was in elementary school. It makes me glad that this kind of skulduggery2 is coming to light, because there is always the small hope that the attention will help the problem. Now the CEO of the richest company in America, Parks and Rec’s own Nick Offerman (and Jeff Tweedy), and your predecessor are all throwing you under the bus. I know if there is one thing you guys like more than religion, it is capitalism.

But if the past is any indicator, things probably won’t change. I’m not sure if it is the cause or the effect, but smart, (even mildly) progressive people have been leaving the state for decades. Little, trying-to-be-subtle moves like this are the reason. This policy is only driving more people out of the economic ghost town that is (northern) Indiana.

Please don’t make us form a religion3 and sue you, which we are now allowed to do under your law, which does not define what a religion is.

Good luck with reelection,
Your constituency


  1. It was honestly hard to find something negative that happened to Indiana in that show. Which makes this even more disappointing - it is like you are correcting the show, saying “No, it’s ok, we’re actually assholes.”
  2. Awesome word. Should be used more often.
  3. Our first commandment is “don’t be an asshole.” To inject some of the founder’s personal bias into it, our second commandment is “Notre Dame sucks.”

Pilch

Does watching the NFL make you evil?

1 min read

If America has a secular religion, it is probably the National Football League, if only for the happening-on-Sunday thing and the ritual consumption of alcohol and breads....

Does watching the NFL make you evil?
from Pocket via IFTTT

Pilch

Down With America's Kid-Competition Complex

1 min read

I was at a parent's night at my kid's school a couple of years ago—one of those things where you go to the school at night to meet the kid's teacher and eat a cookie and listen as the teacher tells you all the shit they do in class every day, and then you nod your head in approval. "Ah, yes....

Down With America's Kid-Competition Complex
from Pocket via IFTTT

Pilch

Just One More Game ...

1 min read

In 1989, as communism was beginning to crumble across Eastern Europe, just a few months before protesters started pecking away at the Berlin Wall, the Japanese game-making giant Nintendo reached across the world to unleash upon America its own version of freedom....

Just One More Game ...
from Pocket via IFTTT

Pilch

Cable questions

2 min read

Dear Jim (my NSA angel),

My cable company is attempting to buy their closest competitor. I know you and Comcast are bros on the DL, but your love is quite transparent to the public. Anyways, was this your idea? Vertical integration of data harvesting, now covering 37 of the top 40 markets in America. Solid strategy. I try to avoid conspiracy theories, but a surveillance state combined with this sounds like some Illuminati1 shit.

Speaking of TV, how have you liked the new season of House of Cards so far2? Some solid digital espionage going on in the first few episodes, but through the FBI/Secret Service? Come on, we both know who the real 1337 h4XX0rs are.

So, listen, if any packages come to the house, could you put them inside the screen door for me? I don't get home until the evening, and I would prefer they weren't covered in snow. Also, weather machine? Is that a thing yet? Please get someone on that ASAP.

Thanks,
Craig


  1. Who is head of the Illuminati these days? Is it Beyonce? It is, isn't it? Your secret is safe with me. Ooh, is it Tupac? 

  2. You haven't answered yet, so I assume you can see my TV ok. 

Pilch

Day of the Doctor teaser trailer

1 min read

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0AX8rgJ8f0doctorwho:

Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Tribute: “The Day of The Doctor” November 23, 2013

Celebrate 50 Years of Doctor Who with this specially-shot tribute in advance of the special 50th Anniversary episode, “The Day of The Doctor” premiering SAT NOVEMBER 23 on BBC AMERICA, BBC One, Space Channel and in 75 countries around the globe.

Pilch

Comedown Machine

2 min read

I didn’t listen to Is This It until after I had heard Room On Fire. That means I have no hipster cred, and was not fully aware of the hype surrounding both (but primarily the first) at the time. Much like the Grantland review, I have days where I think the latter is better than the former. But damn, it does not get much better than the simplistic beauty of tracks 2-4, or 1-8, or hell, the whole debut album of The Strokes.

I was hooked. I have bought all the albums since then, on release day. I bought most of the solo albums, and listened to the rest online. It’s how I was able to recognize Little Joy (Fab!) when it appeared in a VW commercial. It’s the reason I don’t understand why it is cool to hate The Strokes.

Music journalism has a nebulous goal: to translate the sonic and aesthetic qualities of a musical work or group into the written medium, which inherently cannot convey all of said qualities. And the world (from America’s perspective) was in a weird place after 9/11 (understatement like that deserves its own font). So that world simultaneously embraced NYC rock saviors and revolted against the hype machine that built itself around them. As Spin put forth, what would Is This It have been like in the age of Twitter? It might have still been polarizing, but I still feel like I would fall into the same camp.

As of right now, I have “All The Time” stuck in my head. “Tap Out” is interesting, and my favorite is “Welcome To Japan.” All in all, it is a good album, and it is a Strokes album. I am holding out hope that they will do more now that they have fulfilled their RCA contract, and that this album was just to be done with that (no fanfare? stock demo logo as album art?). I guess what I am trying to say is: Hi, I’m pilch, and I am a Strokes fan. [hi pilch] I’ve been a Strokes fan for roughly 10 years. I don’t really care about the next 11 steps in the process, I just needed to get that out there.

via Tumblr http://craigpilcher.tumblr.com/post/46889999255

photo by: kaex0r

Pilch

Driving (and) Innovation

3 min read

I am getting sick of driving. I have to commute for an hour at the beginning and end of each work day. That means, if you don't live on the eastern seaboard or in a major metropolis, a lot of time behind the wheel. I realize there are ways to avoid this. Carpooling is always an option, or I could move or switch jobs. But, because I am lazy and introverted, I tried to imagine other ways to get to work, like public transportation. Northern Indiana is not quite a bastion of public anything, which makes this strictly imaginary. But why is this still imaginary?

Countries in Europe and Asia benefit greatly from high speed rail. According to the NYT (via Gawker), "in many countries with good public transportation, driving is a pleasure rather than a necessity." The cynic in me thinks it hasn't caught on here because of our automotive industry (which there is plenty of in north central Indiana). How can they sell cars if there are other viable transport options? Competition should force these car companies to produce better cars, in theory. Of course, it also means change, which is scary.

I was a little bewildered to find out that the idea had been proposed and soundly rejected. This rejection was probably for all the wrong reasons, but I don't want to try to sort out the politics of it. California has recently decided to fund its own high speed rail, after several rejections of its own. So it is catching on somewhere, but it is not catching on fast enough, for all the wrong reasons (as mentioned above).

Monopolies, from the automobile in America (it's a stretch, but not much) down to local cable companies, have a horrible effect on innovation. From a consumer standpoint, they are like an economic cancer to the development of new ideas. However, from a business standpoint (which is pretty much its own religion in this country), profit is your endgame. Building a monopoly should bring on a zen-like state of enlightenment. It is a place where the goals of capitalism fall out of sync with those of the common person, and having the free market try to overthrow a monopoly is a task of Herculean proportions.

The inspiration for this line of thought was this Verge piece about wireless carriers. I didn't want to write another post about phones, but it makes a fantastic point. Apple completely reinvented the concept of a phone, and it still was not enough to disrupt the amount of sway US carriers have over device manufacturers.  This would be like, instead of purchasing an SUV to drive on steep mountain roads, the road saying it only accepts Jeep™ vehicles.

In the meantime, I will keep paying exorbitant prices for fuel, and keep passing the SUVs with a single passenger on my 2-lane-highway commute, and think about moving to California.