Skip to main content

Pilch

i saw this quote yesterday, and didn't even need to see the photo to know what it looked like http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/mike-pence-is-a-fucking-joke-1794495680

Pilch

Pilch

Less than meets the eye

4 min read

imageI am a fan.

It takes a lot to admit that anymore. That admission comes with a lot more baggage now than it did 10 years ago. It is a bit like being a Los Angeles Clippers fan; things started to get pretty good, but then the guy in charge is super racist1 and is kind of mad that people found out about that and goddammit he's going to take everyone down with him.

My allegiances lie firmly with Hasbro, who I assume ghostwrote the current movie, as they have since the beginning. I own numerous shape-changing action figures, and will continue to buy them2 because secretly I am a nine year old with no self control. Even my USB drive is Ravage (a knock off, but still).

I write all this to frame my review of Transfomers 4: Hey, Mark Wahlberg! Right?3 It is, in the words of Charles Barkley, T-R-B-L turrible.

(Edit: I wrote this in the few days following the theatrical release, but haven't had time to publish until now. The review holds up, but some of the references would have made more sense in June. Deal with it lol)

I rewatched the third one, because a) I am a glutton for punishment, b) I've already said I am a Transformers fan, and thus own all the , and c) because I wanted to confirm the my theory that they are steadily getting worse. I think it holds.

The first one had just enough of Spielberg's touch to be pretty good. The second one was critically panned, and probably rightfully so, so several actors and writers jumped ship. Seemingly the only goal of the third movie was "don't be actively racist again", which they accomplished by killing of Ken Jeong (best character in the movie) before they could do any damage. And for the fourth, they basically took a cookie cutter to the third movie and said LaBeouf, Turturro, Jeong, Patrick Dempsey ==> Wahlberg, Tucci, TJ Miller, Kelsey Grammer4. And DINOSAURS!

Basically, the movie plot can be boiled down to this quote, from the writer of the goddamn movie:

When you’re talking about aliens, robotic machines which disguise themselves as vehicles and animals, you start to make your peace with the idea that logical sense doesn’t have to be the be-all, end-all.

Suspension of disbelief is one thing, but expanding it to include plot and character development is another. "Making the robots the main characters? Allowing natural human interaction? Using the dinosaur robots before the last 15 minutes of a near-three-hour film? Nah, those would make logical sense. Oh, a samurai that transforms into a Bugatti Veyron AND a helicopter? Now you have something. Get Ken Watanabe on the phone."

My only recourse is to not pay to see the film (which I already did). I can only sit back and watch Michael Bay ruin the rest of my childhood. So, Michael, if you are reading this: STAY AWAY FROM CAPTAIN PLANET. NO. STOP IT.


  1. Michael Bay is not super racist. I'm not saying that. Whoever wrote these jackasses, or Ken Watanabe's lines in the new film, is secretly racist. Not super racist. 
  2. How can you not want to buy this?  
  3. My love of Mark Wahlberg comes from the fictitious 'Mark Wahlberg' character from the podcast Doug Loves Movies. It is the best. It is how I learned that he greenlights the first script given to him every month, and that they used live ammo on Lone Survivor - he only hit 3 extras and a PA. His review of Transformers: "You think it's 3 hours because it's bad?" 
  4. Which you would think would be an improvement, right? Not really. 

Pilch

Bowling ball

1 min read

- How big is an 8 year old's head? A bowling ball?
-Too small. It's like a basketball. But one of those small basketballs, you win at the fair.
-You're describing a bowling ball!

  • Liz Lemon and Crisstopher Cross

Pilch

Neck pillow

1 min read

-Do you have a neck pillow? I blew mine up, and now it smells like my mouth.

-I don't sleep on planes. I don't want to get incepted.

Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy

Pilch

Barleysheath

1 min read

-When are you due?

-April 20. Hitler's birthday.

-What is the name of your gynecologist?

-Dr. Rufus T. Barleysheath.

-Where was the baby conceived?

-In my vagina.

-What names are you considering?

-Rufus T. Barleysheath.

-How are you feeling?

-*Oh a little achy and nauseous, but I'm hangin' in there!*

-Are you pregnant?

-No... way that I'm not.

-Liz Lemon and Carmen Chau

Pilch

Horse grenades

1 min read

-Close only counts in horse grenades.
-What?
-Well, when you are playing horseshoes, and you throw your grenade at the horse, you don't have to get that close to the horse to blow its legs off.
- ...
-It is a saying from that movie, Seabiscuit.

Pilch

Obamacare

1 min read

Obamacare is really the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery. It is slavery, in a way.

Neurosurgeon Ben Carson describing Obamacare during the 2013 Value Voters Summit, as tweeted by The Atlantic’s Molly Ball. (via officialssay)

Pilch

NYC

1 min read

It’s like Jay-Z said, “Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up, there’s nothing you can do.”

Liz Lemon

Pilch

Mind Vice

1 min read

Put your mental burdens in my mind vice, and I will crush them.

Jack Donaghy

Pilch

Meeting

1 min read

I’m sorry I’m 4 hours late to this meeting. My alarm clock didn’t go off because it died in a cock fight last night.

Tracy Jordan

Pilch

Crayons

1 min read

"Heavy is the head that eats the crayons." Gonna go take a nap. See you in ten hours.

Tracy Jordan

Pilch

Caught on tape

1 min read

I responded in what I thought was the most truthful, or least untruthful manner by saying no.

Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, explaining why he asserted in March that the NSA was not gathering data on millions of Americans in an interview with NBC’s Andrea Mitchell.  (via officialssay)

Pilch

Rochambeau

1 min read

JT: Ok, on three, give him the old Rochambeau!
A: Rock paper scissors?
O: What does a general from the American Revolution have to do with this?
JT: American? Rochambeau sounds... French.
O: Yes, the Franco-American forces.
JT: They fought with Spaghetti-o's and meatballs?
A: Why would a company called "Franco-American" make Italian food?

Pilch

Is this guy a shark or what?

1 min read

-There are two kinds of people in the world: sheep and sharks. Anyone who is a sheep is fired. Who here is a sheep?
-Excuse me - which is the one people like to hug?
-Gutsy question. You are definitely a shark. Sharks are winners, and they don’t look back because they have no necks. Necks are for sheep. I am proud to be the shepherd of this herd of sharks…

Futurama RIP 1999 - 2003 2009 2013