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Thanks, Obama. Love, NSA

1 min read

Dear Steven (my NSA angel),

I understand that phone calls are kind of your thing. How does it feel, then, that someone in charge (however half-heartedly) is finally saying, "Hey, maybe we shouldn't collect all this phone data"?

I'd be a little mad, I guess.1 I just hope that we can all be adults about it and debate the merits2 and shortcomings3 of mass surveillance. Unlike some people, who wear three-corner hats and freak out when they get tread on by Barack Hussein Obamacare and don't understand the phrase "what goes around comes around."

And hey, bonus -

Phone companies, for their part, would have to provide "technical assistance" in order to make sure that the government could easily search for and collect information...

You have a built-in scapegoat for when things go tits up4!

Sorry for your (non-)loss,

  1. I'm sure your behavior algorithms already knew that. You have those, right? Google does, so I'm sure you do by proxy. 
  2. None. 
  3. All. 
  4. I would like to see this British-ish phrase come up more in daily conversation. 


Planning stings and getting stung

1 min read

Dear Mike (my NSA angel),

I hear you guys got duped pretty bad by a major US telecom company. I am having trouble picking a favorite part of this situation. Too many to choose from:

  • Telecoms apparently overcharge everyone, even the federal government.
  • The idea of suing those telecoms to get your money back is laughable when you substitute "average consumer" for "federal government."
  • Sprint's network was not capable of adequate surveillance, from a technical standpoint. If you are planning something that will get you surveilled and you are smart enough to use a network that is too shitty to tap, you deserve to operate in secret.

Is anyone in the right here? It's like Inception. I know you can neither confirm or deny any of this1, but come on. We know it was you, Mike.

I'm watching you,

  1. Like Steven Seagal.    


Cable questions

2 min read

Dear Jim (my NSA angel),

My cable company is attempting to buy their closest competitor. I know you and Comcast are bros on the DL, but your love is quite transparent to the public. Anyways, was this your idea? Vertical integration of data harvesting, now covering 37 of the top 40 markets in America. Solid strategy. I try to avoid conspiracy theories, but a surveillance state combined with this sounds like some Illuminati1 shit.

Speaking of TV, how have you liked the new season of House of Cards so far2? Some solid digital espionage going on in the first few episodes, but through the FBI/Secret Service? Come on, we both know who the real 1337 h4XX0rs are.

So, listen, if any packages come to the house, could you put them inside the screen door for me? I don't get home until the evening, and I would prefer they weren't covered in snow. Also, weather machine? Is that a thing yet? Please get someone on that ASAP.


  1. Who is head of the Illuminati these days? Is it Beyonce? It is, isn't it? Your secret is safe with me. Ooh, is it Tupac? 

  2. You haven't answered yet, so I assume you can see my TV ok.